Night 8 / Night One 2010

Nice. My first post in 2010. Epic. My favorite part of the New Year, you ask? My birthday, which I think I wrote about last post. My half sleeve tattoo is just right around the corner, and I couldn’t be more excited. In fact, I was offered a second job yesterday at the nicest, most upscale hotel in our area, and I start right away. I’ll find out today what my schedule is going to be and if I need to work on the 15th, I’m going to push the tattoo forward, pending availability of course. I’m really excited about the new job, so now I’ll have two part time jobs, which, technically is more then full time work. This job equals about 18-20 hours a week depending on how late the manager feels like being the mornings I need to work, and the new job with be about 25-30 hours a week. Alas, with the new responsibility come new waves of instant anxiety. I mean, how lame am I? I had two interviews total, neither of which I broke a sweat over, and then they said they would call me in a couple days to let me know if I had the job or not. During the wait, I was totally fine and happy, but the second I hung up the phone I wanted to hyperventilate into a brown paper lunch bag.

My anxiety got the better of me today, and I was admittedly a little on edge, and I became upset with the man. He made a comment about my tattooing and the location, the exact comment he made on Thanksgiving in front of his boss and his wife and her family. I was so embarrassed, but I wasn’t going to make a fuss, it’s Thanksgiving! By the time the day was done I was pretty sauced and sleepy and I slipped comfortably into a turkey enzyme (triphophen?) coma. So when he said it again today in front of a friend we haven’t seen in ages I had already had my share of laughs and immediately asked him to stop saying something that was really offensive to me and what I love to do. I ushered them out in the nicest way possible because honestly I was pissed and wanted to be alone. I still don’t know if he understands where I was coming from exactly, because he got really defensive after I sent him an email. He read it in front of me, making exclamations and comments the entire way through, so I don’t think he absorbed it. In the end, I was the one crying and apologizing, because he claims that I’m upset with him “all the time” and he “feels bad.” Before he came to that conclusion, I was “making him miserable,” so I’m still a little fuzzy on his details. Whenever something goes wrong he will, without fail, find a way to tie it to some sort of social event and him being with other people. This is honestly not the case, and I don’t see it. At least not all the time, I will give him one or two, but he loves to generalize and use “always,” “every time,” “all the time” and so on. It’s gotten to the point where I know he’s going to say that, so I just sit and wait for him to say it, and give my predetermined answer. My answers are getting good, and I don’t think he likes that. What I also don’t think he’s pleased with it’s that I’m actually standing up for myself, which I later had to translate to “I’m moody because I’m working on my medications” which is only 60 percent of the truth. That is the case, and they do make me moody, but he’s used to me being meek, falling over, and letting him be right all the time. I was unemployed for almost 7 months and he was supporting me, and I wasn’t about to get into any serious arguments with him during that time, or shake the boat. I just wanted to make things as seamless as possible until I found work. Now that I’m working and I have obtained a second job, I feel more secure, and I’m actually standing up for myself, and I don’t think he’s entirely used to it. Normally, he would say something and I would just stop talking, but now he says something and I instantly retort something that cannot be answered easily. For example, he tried saying that I sent him “a GIANT email that I forced him to read…” something something. I interrupted him by saying, “Yeah, that email, wooo, real big. It’s actually four lines in gmail but I’m sure it looks huge on your tiny phone!” He just sat there. Then I feel bad. I’m terrible at fighting, and, to quote Owl City, “I would rather pick flowers instead of fights.” I feel bad instantly, and I’m terrible at staying mad, which is why it’s confusing to me that he feels like I’m mad at him all the time. I’ve only been getting edgier with him lately, and only since my medications started getting tweaked. I don’t see why the correlation isn’t more black and white, but I guess it never is in relationships. Shit, I don’t know what to do.

I did the most considerate thing I could think of, and told him he made me really happy, and I would actively work on trying to express that, and trying to express any frustrations calmly instead of “blowing up at him.” I also said that if he was so unhappy that he couldn’t weight out the bad with the good, to where the good didn’t even register, then when he left on vacation to go home we needed to take a break where he could rethink the relationship. At first, he seemed like that was a good idea, but after I realized he was considering it to a serious degree and him saying that he had a lot to think about, it made me really sad, and I started crying. He said he was just upset, and that it wasn’t necessary, but I think the break will be good for us. A long time ago, we agreed that he and I were going to take regular breaks from each other once a week or so. I’ve planned little things for myself, and he does too, but nothing where we leave for periods of time and actually get…well a break. I’m a little disappointed at his lack of effort in this department, because he is the one that has a tendency to not speak up and then blow up at me, I realize he needs a break, then I’m the one that ends up taking it for him, but that just doesn’t seem fair. He needs to communicate his side, and I’m not going to do it for him anymore. Although I suppose I kind of did tonight. I should mention this to him so he’s in the know in the future.

Ugh, well that’s enough out of me for tonight. I needed to vent and get my ducks in a row in my head. I know nothing is permanently screwed, and I know everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, and I’m not afraid of any consequences. I’m looking forward to what this year has to offer me, and I’m welcoming challenges with open arms. Hell, if last year didn’t kill me, nothing can. PEACE!!