Night 3

Another evening and another night at work; I feel as if this job is spoiling me from any future position where I would have to do actual work. I went down for a nap today earlier then usual, around 630pm opposed to 730-8pm. I slept until I was supposed to for the first time since working the graveyard. Why do they call them graveyard shifts? Is that because the only people that worked these hours way back when were grave diggers? Can you imagine a job like that? I can, which is morbid and almost cool at the same time, but I know I would get the willies every minute I worked which would be the end of me. There’s a Halloween episode of the Simpson’s where Bart is looking for a job for Homer in the local paper. He says, “Here’s one dad. Flexible schedule, you get to meet lots of new people, and good pay!” He refers to a grave digger position which Homer fails at because he is too rotund to dig a six foot hole in the ground.

Alright children it’s time for ‘Can you spot the difference?’ Here we go:
Example One: “Are you doing that again?” compared to “I noticed you were doing that again, may I ask why?”
Example Two: “What’s wrong with you?” compared to “You seem a little upset, are you okay?”

I could drive this point home if I really wanted to but I don’t. I’m tired of the “poor tone” conversation where I end up feeling like a crazy bitch. I know there is a huge difference in tone and have been taught this my entire life, even at my places of employment. Sometimes, it’s not about what you say it’s how you say it. Although, with the above examples, which are actual quotes, it was what he said and how he meant it. Wow, just put that together while I was writing that.

My boyfriend talks to me like child with a judgmental father. I don’t get along with my flesh father. I used to have a “Dad” (stepfather) but he decided to jump on the drunken wagon again and lied to me too many times. Flesh Dad didn’t do much for us growing up. I’m trying to think of what he did do to balance out the negative…he watched cartoons with us. He let me borrow his pipe once when I started smoking weed with no questions asked. I guess he couldn’t say anything because he was high at the time more then I ever was.

I know that’s why he seemed happy. It didn’t have anything to do with his house, or him keeping some custody of his kids, or his multiple re-marriages. It was drugs. Drugs made Flesh Dad happy. Weed makes me happy all the time. “Weed is by my side and has always been there.” It’s easy to get confused though and I occasionally blame the marijuana for my being uncomfortable, however I understand now that it is weed in combination with outside forces that make me unhappy. If I had a lifetime supply of tattoo equipment, drawing stuff, munchies, and weed I would die a happy woman. I wouldn’t even ask for a toilet, I would just get high and shit in the same corner of the room.

I will happily admit I was a stoner all of but three weeks ago. I decided I needed to quit when I put two and two together that a medication plus marijuana was making my muscles twitch. It was really uncomfortable and I did say, “It’s a sad day but I think my stoner days are over.” They are over. I can’t sit around and get high and play World of Warcraft hours on end until I just can’t hold my pee anymore. To quote Daniel Tosh, “No I don’t smoke weed! I’m not 17 anymore and I got shit to do. Go do some cocaine like an adult.”

I haven’t subjected myself to any serious drugs. I did try ecstasy once and it was bunk. I tried Cylocybin (mushrooms) once and I had symptoms of the stomach flu for the next 24 hours with no trip. Flesh Dad used to say to try everything once, so you can say you did, but after learning from other people’s mistakes I think that was poor advice. You should make decisions on what you’re willing to do and what you’re not as opposed to jumping into something retarded because you haven’t yet. Although, I do wish my younger years were more experimental. I did what everyone wanted me to, what everyone expected me to do. I was never the one that you could ever imagine getting in trouble, because I didn’t. I don’t know if that’s good or bad because being an adult I can find all the trouble I want in mass quantities and streamlined for efficiency. I’m getting off track…

So I stopped smoking a few weeks ago and I haven’t purchased anything. I know that if I have it around I will smoke it, so just not keeping it handy will stop me. Times are tough for everyone, and the extra couple hundred I month I was smoking away is coming in quite handy. I’m really proud of myself actually; I’m expecting a good sum of money today, and it didn’t cross my mind to set two hundred dollars aside to budget for douje. I wish that my boyfriend would notice these small changes as positive and not dwell on the negative. The negative example would be me having a hit tonight before I laid down to rest, which I did. I did last night too, a very small hit since my tolerance has depleted. I tried to explain I wasn’t smoking a lot, but he said quantifying it didn’t make a difference. I reserved myself and continued saying ‘one hit’ but I don’t think it swayed him.

When I stopped smoking because of the side effect I said I wasn’t going to be smoking anymore. Apparently, I have to be super specific and say when, where, and why I will ever smoke again in the future. I’m sure I’m exaggerating how much communication was hoped for in that area but I was hit with a brick wall of negativity when I had one hit Tuesday night. “So you’re smoking again now?” he asked me bluntly. I said “No, I’m just taking a hit. It was left in the bowl.” This was another unsatisfactory reply because tonight I smoked before I took a nap and he had such a demeaning air about him. I started to explain myself saying that it was an indica and would help me sleep. He ignored me, although later saying he was just not paying attention because he was playing his game.

Again, it is what he said and how he said it. I approached him tonight before I left for work saying that I feel like I have to tiptoe around what I say because he’ll come back and try to point out my mistakes. Apparently, this one was my fault because I failed to communicate how often I would continue to smoke. I said it didn’t matter, and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about my actions. I still do, but I know I shouldn’t and it’s put me in a sour mood this evening. I called when I got to work and said, “I wanted to apologize for bringing that up on you before I left because I know how stressed out you are right now. So, I’m sorry.” He said he didn’t want me to bottle things up and then there was silence…awkward silence. I said, “I’m sorry” again, but only got some more silence followed with an “okay.” I can’t win, although maybe I’m expecting just a little bit too much. I don’t even know what I want him to say I just know what I don’t want to hear.

I’m an adult and I can do what I wish. Me staying in parameters of acceptable behavior constitutes my individual actions and makes up who I am as a whole. I thought he loved me for who I was, so there is a contradiction here that has been present for awhile in our communication and relationship. He fell in love with me when I was working at a dispensary, so it makes me wonder if he’s just not okay with it anymore or he thought he could change me. I guess he has changed me, in fact, I know he has. I’m happy about most of the changes but I wish he would be more open minded about things I want to try for the first time, instead of lecturing me about how bad wikipedia.com says it is for me.

I called him out on his smoking cigarettes, saying that he said he quit, but once we had a fight he was out buying a pack and he would smoke the entire pack so he wouldn’t be “wasting it.” I said, “I knew this would come up someday…” which he jumped all over. I shouldn’t have hinted in any way towards my prediction of him calling the kettle black, but I was nice enough not to say I told you so, and I let him carry on smoking and never commented on it until today. It’s just unfair and hypocritical, so I won’t let it go without a fight on my way down.

The sad part is that he’ll probably never understand, or he won’t act like he does. He hates being wrong and hates admitting it more. Due to that, I’m the one that raises the white relationship flag in defeat, letting my point sit on the bench and rest until the “tone” issue raises its ugly head again. Poor little issue is getting tired of arguing the same point and I am concerned that our failure to deal with communication problems will get the best of me, him, and us. I guess things are rather predictable though. We rarely fight over new issues anymore. We’ve been together long enough that all that’s out of the way.

I have the same two issues with him; his word choice/tone for asking me questions indicating that he’s unhappy with me somehow and his lack of appreciation and acknowledgement of my efforts. It usually pertains to dishes though, which is silly, but it has branched out to him not admiring my artwork at all, and just giving me the obligatory, “that’s nice” comment. Haha, it is funny, he said he got so used to my art being amazing he didn’t know what to say anymore. It’s just like, “Durrr say something about it!” I don’t know if it’s a compliment or not. I suppose my drawing/tattooing is one in the same to him as me doing the dishes, because rarely do either get any positive attention. I really hate doing the dishes.

I will give him a huge gold star though. When I completed my first tattoo, he snuck out and brought home champagne and raspberries saying we needed to celebrate. I really enjoy champagne and he picked one I’m partial to. It’s the small things I suppose, but is there a form somewhere where I can get a grant to receive more small things? That would be awesome.